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“By the way, what he say? He can tell I ain’t missing no meals. Come through and I f**k him in my automobile.” — Nicki Minaj
When most of us were getting the sex talk from our parents, they would tell us that sex is what happens when two people are in love with each other. As we know now, that is a total lie. Sex is fun! There’s nothing like a good old romp in the hay with a hottie, and it doesn’t always mean that there has to be feelings involved.
Sex is primal, and the urge goes deep into our DNA. We are all simply animals, and we all have certain carnivorous needs and voracious appetites. The compulsion to mate comes from our urge to reproduce, but that urge doesn’t always line up with what is going on in our lives. For instance, one might be focusing on their career and not really looking for a romantic partnership, which is totally fine — and you should absolutely be setting career goals. But how do you go about fulfilling your physical needs while also maintaining your personal autonomy?
That urge doesn’t go away simply because you are working hard. In fact, that compulsion can be quite distracting to the task at hand. Sure, we can masturbate, and that usually does the trick, but sometimes you simply need another body around to help out. If you have ever been in a sexual situation with a willing party who is also interested in some casual, non-romantic fun once in a while, then you will be very familiar with the territory outlined in this next section.
The “Booty Call”
We have all been there; you’re sitting in your pajamas, eating Cheetos, while watching a true crime documentary on John Wayne Gacey. Definitely not feeling sexy in the slightest — then the phone rings. Apart from being way past your bedtime, and way into that bottle-of-wine-and-Cheeto-night you promised yourself ages ago, you still decide to take that ill-timed phone call.
The person on the other end is one of your regular f**k buddy friends, of course, and what do they want? I’ll give you two guesses. If you can’t guess it on the first one you really don’t pay attention to anything other than how John Wayne Gacey buried many of his 33 victim’s bodies in the crawlspace under his house.
This is what we call the “booty call” my friends. It’s exactly what it sounds like: a call for some booty.
Good old UrbanDictionary defines the“booty call” as:
Let that last little bit sink in here for a minute: A used person. A person who is used. I think it’s safe to say that it’s probably not okay to use somebody for any old selfish purpose. I know it happens a lot, but that doesn’t mean that we should go around doing it to everyone we meet. People do have feelings after all, and it’s just not a nice thing to do, intentionally or not. Strive to be the person who actually gives a damn about the people in your world, even if you are just meeting for sex.
Now, it is well within your power to deny this call and continue your wine, Cheeto, and murder night you so looked forward to. Or, you can shower up and await for your possibly inebriated prince/princess charming to arrive in their silver Jetta for some sub-par sexual dysfunction. Or maybe you’re into that, to which I say — hold on tight, wear a condom, and have fun!
“The 2am Rule”
An old proverb says “nothing good ever happens after 2am.” Maybe I heard it on an episode of How I Met Your Mother, you know the one where Ted gets a phone call from Robin who invites him over for a late-night rendezvous? I won’t spoil how it ends, let’s just say it didn’t end well…
I have taken this adage to heart and adopted it as a personal philosophy — and you should too. If someone is calling you after 2am, one of two possible scenarios is happening: they are either having an emotional meltdown and desperately need help, or are just smashed and… wanna smash.
It goes without saying that if it’s a good friend, it’s probably an emergency and you should pick up. If it’s that guy who you hooked up with once at an after hours bar after about a dozen Jägerbombs, he’s probably just getting in from the bars and is most likely looking for round two.
Depending on the fuzziness of your memory, and if the engagement was any good or not, I would highly suggest not taking that call. In fact, just put your phone on silent every night between the hours of 2am and 6am. Because nothing good ever happens between those hours, just ask Ted.
If you want further context, you can read my Hookup Horror Story titled “The 3am Phone Call” at the end of this chapter to get a clearer picture of why this is. Otherwise, just take my word for it and keep reading for now.
The Joy of Sexting
Sexting is a fine art and it takes a very special person to be good at it. Think of sexting as digital dirty talk for the cyber sex age. It can be arousing and also a bit awkward. If you’re like me and cringe whenever someone says that they want to, quote: “lick you from the top of your neck to your booty hole” (an actual sext I’ve received — So romantic!) sexting can be quite daunting. Dirty talk is simply awkward and foreign to many deviants and that’s perfectly okay.
Listen, some people are naturals at dirty talk and all the more power to them! It took me nearly until 28 to say something dirty to someone when they were in the same room as me, let alone via a text. I vividly remember a time when my ex-boyfriend and I got in from a night out and were about to do the deed, when he whispered to me sexily (and a little drunk), “what do you want?” He had never talked dirty to me before, and this was totally tame dirty talk, but I found the moment so out of left field that I actually laughed out loud, completely ruining the moment. (I’m sorry, by the way!)
So, trials and errors aside, I may have cracked the code. There are just a few rules I’ve learned to help ease you into the digital dirty talk playfield:
1. Start small
You don’t have to be a Casanova right off the bat and saying every nasty thing you can think of, that may actually be pretty off-putting to some. But, what you can do is start with basic descriptions of what you’d like the other party to do to you.
Ex. “I can’t wait for you to get over here and __________________ to me.”
2. Build anticipation & tension
There’s something very sexy about a slow tease, especially when it comes from a text message. Texting is a written form of communication: the other party can’t hear the way you are speaking it in your head when you write it. Use that to your advantage! It’s leaving a little mystery, which is a nice touch and shows how you’ve mastered the art of the sext.
Ex. “I saw this porn earlier that turned me on so much, I had to touch myself. Can I tell you what they were doing?”
3. Get creative
You don’t have to keep it plain Jane all the time. Although there’s nothing really wrong with that, sexting is much more fun when you start to really get into it. Go into a detailed explanation of some of your more wilder fantasies, bring in props, and send those nasty messages when you know they’d be at work. Everyone loves a little pick-me-up in the middle of the day.
Ex. “I know you are at work, but I couldn’t control myself. I needed to tell you that I’ve always wanted you to…”
Ultimately sexting is one of those things that doesn’t come easy to most, and it really depends on the level of comfort and communication skills you have with whoever is on the other line. Sure, it can be awkward at first, you just have to get over that initial feeling of “this is weird,” and just have some fun. If you simply relax and let your fingers do the talking, you can engage in a pretty sexually stimulating digital experience that can completely add another layer to your ever-expanding sexual repertoire.
Friends With Benefits
There is no such thing as “safe sex.” It goes without saying every encounter does have a bit of risk involved. You can’t avoid it, it comes from being your most vulnerable self with someone else. I’m not saying every time you get laid it is potentially with an axe-murderer, although there really is no way to tell, now is there? However, there is always a certain level of risk involved with every encounter.
Risk is: an exposure of self to a certain level of danger relating to either physical, mental, or emotional harm.
The world of hooking up definitely full of potential for danger. Having anonymous sex, or sex with strangers, is definitely risky, and has potential for many serious problems. But risks of the heart seem to be the most common in that arena. Catching feelings is a seriously dangerous business, it’s hurt more people than every axe-murderer in the world put together, and almost no one gets out alive.
There is a way to minimize this risk, though, and it involves a very specific type of relationship. One that is carefully navigated so that there is no feelings involved whatsoever, it is simply a transaction of coital* gratification. This is what we call a “friend with benefits.” No emotional ties, no messy break-ups, and no drama. It’s kind of the perfect set-up for someone who simply doesn’t want to be emotionally invested in a relationship. The best part is, after you get off, you can probably go hang out and get a burger or something after. Easy, simple, clean.
There are rules to the friend with benefits situation though, and these must be followed to the T! This isn’t that movie starring Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis, so it is wise to adhere to these 3 simple rules:
Rule #1 — No romance — treat it like a business transaction. You are friends who hook up at times. There will be no candles, no dinner, and no romance involved. This is get it on, and get it over with, don’t get it twisted.
Rule #2 — No feelings — this is a no feeling zone. The only feeling you should be feeling is sexual gratification and safe exploration. The moment feelings enter the scenario you jump straight into Rule #3.
Rule #3 — Call it off — this happens when the party’s over and someone catches feelings. It no longer works and it gets messy. You cease being friends and start becoming lovers, no longer are you friends with benefits.
I can’t force you to adhere to these rules, but I can tell you that once you stop following them you go right back into that emotional risk-taking I was warning you about before. All is fair in love and war, and the heart wants what the heart wants. However, by messing up the formula for the friends with benefits, you run the risk of possibly losing a good friend in the process.
As for avoiding those axe-murderers? Well, just be sure you know where every exit is before you enter a building.
One-Night-Stands
The last thing I’d like to cover in this chapter is the classic “one-night-stand.” We’ve all had them — and some of us have had nothing but them — but that’s another issue completely that should probably be discussed with a licensed therapist. Tell them Demi sent you and you’ll receive 50% off your lifetime therapy package. You’re welcome.
We’ve all been out at the bar with our friends when we meet a real cutie. We start chatting, maybe share another drink or two, then the lights come on in the bar and it’s time to go home. You don’t want the night to end with this person, so you invite them back to your place. You then get home, immediately undress, then proceed to have some really amazing sex. Maybe they stay the night, but you already know that in the morning, you’ll probably never see this person again.
Not every connection is meant to last forever. That’s a bit of a harsh truth. Although, I think it’s a necessary one. I have been the victim of the one-night-stand that ended in myself catching some pretty serious feelings once or twice before. In fact, I basically wrote an entire book of poetry about it! Obviously the feelings weren’t reciprocated, and that’s okay, but we do have to go through a healing process afterward as it does feel like a rejection of sorts. There’s nothing wrong with that, it was just a fleeting moment that was meant to be enjoyed as a fond memory instead.
Many of us are hopeless romantics who are simply trying to navigate this complex, modern world. But just because someone doesn’t want to be with you forever, doesn’t mean that you are any less special or deserving of someone who can (and will!). Everyone has their own lives to live, and we’re all the main characters in our own stories. Don’t stop believing in the power of love and eventually it will show up for you in the most unexpected ways.
A Personal Story
This chapters topic has mostly been about sex without feelings, but I feel like the best way to understand why it’s important is by telling you about the the hookup that ended in me writing an entire poetry book:
It was 2018 and I hadn’t quite moved to LA yet, but I was spending practically every weekend out here at my favorite bar downtown, Precinct. It was the weekend before Pride so everyone was already out partying and the night was going amazingly. I had happened to see one of my favorite drag queens, Willam, casually hovering by on a hoverboard (while also wearing heels!) so I had to tell her about the time I called into her radio show, Suck Less, and the advice she gave to me moving to LA from Sacramento.
Willam pretty much lost interest in what I was saying but she complimented my shirt and asked me to hold her red bull while she applied some more lipstick. I had just gotten out the word “Sacramento” when this really cute guy with curly hair next to me turned around excitedly and exclaimed, “You’re from Sacramento? I’m from Sacramento!” We both introduced ourselves and started talking about what brought us to LA., all while Willam was already hovering around elsewhere.
We ended up chatting for most of the night, when I told him I should probably be heading home as I had a long drive. He asked me if I was coming back next weekend for Pride and I said yeah, but hadn’t had any plans yet. He invited me to come hang out with them and spend the weekend. I obliged, gave him my number, and said I’ll see him next weekend.
The next weekend arrived, and I drove my way out to LA. I texted him about halfway there and we made plans for arrival. I showed up to his place and was introduced to this friends who I’d be hanging out with that weekend, while everyone was already taking shots in the kitchen. It was fun, and it felt good to be around such a group of fun, stylish, and great queer guys on Pride weekend. We made our way to WeHo afterwards, partied some more, and had a great time the rest of the night.
During conversation, it became apparent that this was going to be his last pride weekend in LA, that the following weekend he was moving to the Bay area to finish his masters degree. My stomach sank, because as quickly as I had found this group, and a new crush, it was kinda yanked out from under me. I tried to not let it bother me the rest of the trip, and I still had a good time, but the amazing weekend sort of felt a bit tainted after that. That night, after we all had taken an Uber back to their place, I told him I wanted to see him next weekend too. He said sure, and we went upstairs alone together.
That following weekend I wanted to bring him a parting gift, so I went to a crystal shop and picked up the biggest rose quartz I could find. It was polished and was in the shape of a heart. I thought he would appreciate it, as I knew he had a bit of a spiritual side, too. I packed up my bag and drove out to his place. When I arrived, he had already started taking things down in his room and that pit of my stomach feeling emerged again. I knew this was the last time. I gave him the stone and he said thanks. I got the feeling he wasn’t trying to get too attached, which was understandable, but I didn’t let that ruin the night.
We said goodbye the next day, and we really haven’t spoken since. I randomly ran into him out at the West Hollywood bars a couple years later, but we just said hi, I didn’t want to intrude on his visit. In all honesty, it took me a while to get over such a brief encounter, but I wrote some of the most intense poetry I’ve ever written about that time we shared, enough to fill a book, which it did. I still wonder if he still has that rose quartz, and I know he’s certainly happy with his new boyfriend. In the end, some things are simply meant to be just as they are, a moment of magic in an otherwise stagnant world.
I didn’t get the guy, but at least I got this book. That itself is a pretty cool gift.
No shirt during sunset and sand on our feet/Richer than chocolate so sickeningly sweet/Under the boardwalk where surf and sand meet/Love like an ocean can knock off one’s feet Dreaming of our next trip down the bend/The beauty of which you can’t comprehend/Swear that the days never come to an end/I just want to be your California boyfriend
Glossary
Coital — having to do with orgasm.
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