The Deviant Diaries: “The Heartbreaker”

One thing I have learned while recording our show “A Cosmic Journey with Demi and J.” is that when you study astrology, you find out some jacked up s**t about yourself. Stuff you knew all along but you always seem to forget. Stuff that not even therapy prepares you for.

The seemingly randomness of the universe, is not so random at all. Everything is exactly how it’s supposed to be, specifically for your experience. Everything is chaos, and chaos is divinely normal.

“Everything is chaos, and chaos is divinely normal.”

That being said, some people willfully incite chaos into their perfectly serene lives, and rocking a perfectly float-able boat, simply because chaos feels more normal. It feels like home. Maybe you had bad role models, or you simply hate yourself, or you are a sucker for punishment. Relatable? Maybe. Practical? Absolutely not. And that’s not like a Virgo, is it?

One of the things I learned is that I invite chaos into my life with the sole purpose of having a mess to clean up afterward. Could it be because that’s how I feel as if I’m in control? Or it could be that that’s how I’m tailor-made to handle certain situations that would scare some people shitless? Perhaps.

That would make me the masochistic Mary Poppins, and a spoonful of poison certainly helps the medicine go down.

It’s something I never learned in therapy but I often think it is the most obvious. I find some kind of sick pleasure in this, apparently. Am I a psycho? Probably, but actual psychos don’t know they’re psycho, so more than likely, I’m fine.

Let me explain what I mean by all of this. Follow me back in time to 2010 and let’s talk about love.

…

Back in 2010, I was fresh out of an abusive relationship and had little knowledge of how a healthy relationship actually functioned. I spent enough alone time re-cooperating from the past and I finally felt strong enough to get back out there and start dating again. I was still pretty new to Seattle and didn’t have many friends, except the few I had been so lucky to find a home with. These three literally came at the best moment and taught me so much about how non-toxic LGBT friendships and relationships can be. For that I am thankful.

I finally decided to give online dating a go again. Enter OKCupid. I had given this site a go a long while back, and I had struck up a few conversations without anything really going anywhere when I came across this profile of a guy who was down to earth, creative, and handsome (but not too handsome… In the best way!). He was into the same stuff I was into — I.E. basically weed, music, and video games — and we ended up talking over the next several days.

I forget who asked who out but we both made plans to meet up halfway from our houses and go for a walk. We met up and immediately started off talking about the most random parts of ourselves. Yes, I did explain my last relationship and how I went to jail, and he did not judge me for it. It was liberating and we walked all over Seattle just talking about everything. We ended up somehow walking from Capitol Hill all the way to Gas Works Park way across town and missed the last bus to get back. We figured it was a sign to not let things end just yet so we walked all the way back and did not return until something like 3am. The whole night seemed magical.

“We ended up somehow walking from Capitol Hill all the way to Gas Works Park way across town and missed the last bus to get back.”

We spent the next several months getting to know each other. I met his roommate and his friends and he met my roommates. It took a very natural course so it was very surprising to be with someone who was so easy to be with. I felt like relationships were usually stressful and this seemed effortless, and we fell in love.

As easy as it was going, things came to a screeching halt all of a sudden. He had called me upset because he had come home to an eviction notice. He explained that his roommate was never there, and therefore not paying their share of the rent. They had skipped town and forgot to tell him about it. He didn’t know what to do, or if he was going to have to quit his job and move back home.

I had just come into some money as I had gotten a promotion at work and received several thousand dollars in back pay which helped me pay off my debts entirely and have a bit left over. I had no immediate plans to do anything with it so I offered to help him and his friend find a place. About a month later, I co-signed for their apartment but still lived at my house. I never asked for a penny back either. In hindsight maybe I should have but I didn’t care, I was in love.

Eventually it just became easier for me to move in so I said goodbye to my roommates and moved in with my boyfriend. It was exciting because I hadn’t lived with a partner. I have tons of good memories with him and his roommate, however, things started changing within the relationship.

We were about 3 and a half years in and we stopped having sex. Our relationship consisted of spaghetti dinners, whose turn was it to buy the weed, and hours and hours of video games. We had hit the comfortable place, almost too comfortable. We were still in love though, that I can say wasn’t an issue. I was just happy to be with someone who got me, and he was just happy to be with someone who wasn’t an asshole.

Something was missing though, I felt as though I was going crazy at times because it was so effortless. I mean there was like no effort, period. From either of us. We also didn’t know how to break out of the rut we put ourselves in so we stuck in it. From the outside we were popular, had tons of friends, and were kind of nightlife staples in the scene. I was doing drag full time and he was DJing a few times a week. We both had a thing which brought us notoriety and tons of opportunities to grow as artists. It was exciting, but something still felt very off at home.

“We both had a thing which brought us notoriety and tons of opportunities to grow as artists. It was exciting, but something still felt very off at home.”

Cut to around 2015 — he was going on a trip to visit his family. It was really cool because he and his family hadn’t gotten along that well and this was an opportunity to really patch things up. I supported him and he went on his way.

Later that night I got a call from a friend of mine who asked if I wanted to go out. I wasn’t doing anything so of course I went. We ended up bar hopping and having a good time until it was time to go home. He was driving but he had been drinking quite a bit, as had I, but I knew we had a problem when we almost made it back to my place and he had to pull over in an alley to throw up. I knew he still had a ways to drive home, so I suggested instead of him driving home he just stay the night. We really had no other option.

“He was driving but he had been drinking quite a bit, as had I, but I knew we had a problem when we almost made it back to my place and he had to pull over in an alley to throw up.”

We got inside and changed. He had to shower the puke off and brush his teeth so I showed him the bathroom and gave him a spare toothbrush. I got into my PJs and crawled into bed, my head was still spinning. A bit later he came in and laid in bed facing away from me, but I did start to feel him inch over every so often. I didn’t budge, I felt nervous and wasn’t sure if something would happen or not. If it did, what would my boyfriend say? Would I tell him?

Well, it turns out I must have moved in such a way that left us both inconsolable because we literally flipped over so fast and started fucking immediately. It was an intense feeling and one that I desperately needed. The passion had gone from my relationship and this was something fiery…. and something very drunk.

The next morning when I woke up I completely freaked out and screamed at him to get out. I cried and cried about it all day and felt so guilty. What was wrong with me? Why did I do that? Should I tell him?

I talked myself into letting it lie and never telling anyone. My boyfriend finally came home, and we made dinner while he told me about his visit. He was so happy to reconnect with his mom, so there was no need to ruin the moment, and possibly lose the best thing that had ever happened to me. It was only once.

Or so I thought. Months later, the relationship was just as stagnant as ever with no signs of letting up. In fact we had just moved into a new apartment (our first alone) but we were living completely different lives from one another. In fact, our lives were entirely separate from one another. We had completely different friend groups, and I started despising his friends just as he started despising mine. I had left my management job for a different opportunity, but he had gotten a better job, one that I actually wanted and didn’t get. That added another level of hurt to the already festering pile. Not only that, we also worked in the same building.

I became extremely depressed because this wasn’t the life I had envisioned for myself. I started escaping from this hell by getting extremely drunk and going on Grindr regularly to chat with guys.

“I became extremely depressed because this wasn’t the life I had envisioned for myself. I started escaping from this hell by getting extremely drunk and going on Grindr regularly to chat with guys.”

I was bored, what can I say? I rarely hooked up with anyone but I was definitely meeting people in an effort to escape the weirdness I was feeling at home. I was also deep into my alcoholism and was just being a mess all over. One time I actually lost my keys after a drag gig and I had to scale the side of our apartment building at 2am in half-drag, makeup and a fur coat, and wake up my boyfriend to let me in. Total mess.

Another time, after a gig, I actually jumped out of a vehicle in front of a McDonald’s parking lot just to hop in an Uber to this person’s house. When I showed up we sat on the couch and started talking about our lives. He was married and was in an open relationship. I told him about my situation with my boyfriend and he understood the feeling.

So he and his husband were sleeping around on each other and I was sleeping around on my partner, my best friend. Such a sad way for gay people to live who have fought for equal rights to marry the ones we love. I felt like a total piece of shit. We eventually got to it, the sex was actually mediocre at best, but it was just the excitement I needed at that point. It became apparent, I was spiraling.

“We eventually got to it, the sex was actually mediocre at best, but it was just the excitement I needed at that point. It became apparent, I was spiraling.”

About a month later, it was around Christmas and I had been hooking up with the married guy several times by then, never using protection. It was Christmas Eve, and my boyfriend and I were finishing our Christmas shopping downtown. Our tradition was always going to get sushi after Christmas shopping from the conveyor belt sushi restaurant we loved. We arrived with our bags and started packing up the plates. I picked up some of my favorites like the tempura rolls, the California rolls, and some sashimi. One plate of sashimi, however, had a very soft and warm feeling as I bit into it. One that I should have known better, but I figured it was fine. We finished eating, paid our bill, and went home to wait for Santa.

Well Santa came in the night and he hit like a ton of bricks. I woke up in cold sweats and felt dizzy, like I was going to be sick. I bolted up out of bed while my boyfriend asked me whats wrong. I couldn’t talk, something was going to erupt and I didn’t know which side it was going to erupt from. So at 4am on Christmas day, I was stuck shitting in the toilet while simultaneously vomiting in the tub. That is what the kids call “bull-dogging,” by the way. I have never bull-dogged before in my life, and I don’t recommend it to anyone.

When I had finally gathered enough strength, I took myself to the hospital that we lived not that far from. That’s where they told me I had contracted norovirus from that bad sushi and that I needed to replenish my fluids. While I was being hooked up to the IV, my boyfriend texted me. He asked me if I had been feeling weird, lately. Apart from being up all night shitting my brains out I said no, why? He said he had started getting a discharge from his dick and he was going to come to the hospital too.

I could have vomited again right there but I was so empty. I already knew what happened. My boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in months just a couple days prior. My drunken decisions had finally caught up with me. I was released shortly after so I came home and sat in the living room and waited for him to come home. He showed up with a look that would have made anyone turn pale. He asked me if I had slept with someone else and I finally came clean. I explained everything but it was too late though, the damage was done and the trust was broken. There was no coming back from this.

“He asked me if I had slept with someone else and I finally came clean. I explained everything but it was too late though, the damage was done and the trust was broken. There was no coming back from this.”

It was the lowest I had ever felt. We split up but we still lived together. I had gone from sleeping in the bed to sleeping on the couch. It was even more awkward when we would see each other at work as well. Things got even weirder when my best friend and him started talking about me behind my back. One time she actually came over to talk to him and not me. To this day I think that was when she and I lost touch, we’ve never been the same since.

Things took a turn when one night he came home with another guy, looked me square in the eye with a look I had never seen him make before, and went into the bedroom. He just paraded this guy in front of me, and I knew this guy too, which made it worse. It was a total breakdown moment. I had been in an abusive relationship before and this started to feel like what it was devolving into, and I loved him too much to want to see him like that. I understood his pain though.

The events of that night led me to go from sleeping on the couch to packing up and moving to a different city altogether. I had invited chaos into my life because there was an empty feeling that I couldn’t deal with. I’m ashamed that I just couldn’t tell him how I was feeling, I just think we both just didn’t know how to communicate our needs better. Sometimes I think if we knew that would we still be together. The stars in the universe had other plans, though.

Relationships are hard, and no one tells you how to do them properly. Even if things are okay on the surface, there may be some issues deep down that need addressing. Communication with your partners is key, and making sure that the communication is reciprocated as well.

It was a difficult time for both of us, but a few years later I was visiting Seattle and asked to meet up and discuss everything. He said sure, and we made plans to meet at the Starbucks across the street from where we used to work. I was so nervous going into it, I didn’t know how he was going to react when he saw me. I got my coffee and waited for him. He finally walked in the door, looked at me with his typical faux-sassy look, then melted into a smile. I was relieved. We hugged and started catching up.

It was very cathartic, but also fun. He understood what went wrong and so did I. We ended up having a good time after that we decided to go get a couple beers. He got a text that his new boyfriend was about to get off work and asked if it would be weird if he met up too. It wasn’t as awkward as you would think, in fact I kind of liked him. When my ex went to the bathroom, I told his boyfriend that I think they look great together, that he’s a great guy, and don’t fuck it up like I did. We both laughed. Yeah, maybe it was the beers talking, but I’m glad we had that moment.

“When my ex went to the bathroom, I told his boyfriend that I think they look great together, that he’s a great guy, and don’t fuck it up like I did. We both laughed. Yeah, maybe it was the beers talking, but I’m glad we had that moment.”

I’ll never be able to repay the hurt I caused to him and to us, but at least I know that someone is taking care of him in the way that he deserves. He is truly a bigger man than I could ever have been to him. Thank you for forgiving me when I was at my worst, you really were more than I deserved at the time.