The Deviant Diaries: "Mr. Big Shot"

That time I was nearly tricked into a threesome but those pesky emotions got in the way.

Along my journey through a particular rough patch in my life, I had rediscovered my love of yoga. The meditative process, the discipline, and the particular art of flexibility was something that I have always enjoyed doing and I had found it to be a very healing practice and the physicality of it was something I desperately needed at that time. Yoga quite literally saved my life, and I am honored to call myself a yogi.

Throughout my life I had always felt very awkward in my own body. Although some people would probably say I have a great physique, I’m of average height with a swimmers build, and next to no body fat. However I have always been extremely skinny and lanky, and have been made fun of or had it pointed out to me quite a lot. It is extremely difficult for me to gain weight, even muscle mass. I can eat like a pig and work out like a mad man daily for months and yes, I’ll gain definition, but it requires constant upkeep. If I slack off for a few days, my metabolism takes over and I will lose whatever gains I have made. Whoever said being skinny was a blessing, really didn’t understand what it meant to live it.

This history of awkwardness when it came to my body probably stemmed from my awkward teenage years where I refused to dress out for P.E. for fear of being gawked at. This mentality stuck around way into adulthood. I couldn’t have sex nude with a light on for a moment, and when I discovered fancy underwear I almost always hid behind wearing these while hooking up. My best friend lovingly calls me a “never-nude,” and he’s not wrong at all for it. I almost certainly am a “never-nude.”

For explanation of a “Never-Nude,” see: “Arrested Development.”

All that changed when I discovered nude yoga. I found the class through a photographer I follow on instagram, which led me to the actual teacher of the class. I was already looking to get back into yoga, after all, I dated a yoga instructor for a bit. In addition, this seemed like the perfect opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. I could get back into doing the physical activity that I love while also letting go of the residual shame about my body that I had unknowingly been holding on to that had been leftover from my teens.

Perfect.

My first day I had shown up with a good helping of anxiety. I smoked a joint in my car to calm down beforehand. It didn't help. I contemplated not going in. I sat there thinking that if I left now no one would even know I was here. I eventually snapped out of my negative self-talk and mustered enough courage to grab my yoga mat from my back seat and walked to the gate. When I stepped inside I saw a dimly lit living space with miniature tea candles lit all over the floor while soft music played. It felt nice, but I still was dreading the fact that I would soon be naked in front of a room full of strangers.

“It felt nice, but I still was dreading the fact that I would soon be naked in front of a room full of strangers.”

The intructor greeted me with a hug. "You must be Demi! So nice to have a new face," He said as he took my temperature (it was during the pandemic.) "I'm Jeron, nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too," I said with a smile. He was tall and very good looking, just like from his Instagram, and he had immediately put me at ease.

"Everyone is nearly here, there's others ouot on the patio, let's go" he said as he led me to the outside patio. He then pulled out several joints, one for each participant and handed one to me. A few more people were there and chatting while I sort of hung back and observed, smoking my second joint in about an hour.

"God, I'm going to be high!" I thought to myself.

Eventually Jeron announced it was time to get ready and showed us where the changing room was. I walked upstairs and into the room and was greeted by a room full of butts. Some big, some little, all very naked. I shook off the flashbacks from gym class and dropped trou with the rest. I grabbed my mat, strategically placing it in front of my genitals, and walked out to the main room where mats were being set up by all the naked yogis.

II walked around a corner and immediately ran headfirst into the most ridiculously attractive guy I had ever seen . He was of average height, my height, maybe half an inch shorter, light-skinned with buff arms and a well-groomed beard. He looked like some kind of big shot. Maybe a model, or maybe an actor. It is LA after all. Embarrassed at my skinny, naked self, I said sorry to him and quickly ran out to set up my space.

Jeron, the instructor must have seen that I looked very nervous. He pointed out a spot near the front.

"Demi, there's a spot up here in the front by me. Come join."

I actually love sitting in the front of classes, so I took up my spot near the front. Jeron took a quick look around and dropped the shorts he was wearing. I still felt very out of place. I contemplated leaving again when the gorgeous guy from around the corner took up the only other spot in the room — right next to me. I resolved to keep my eyes facing forward while I sat and stretched.

The class itself was amazing. I fell back into my practice and everything else seemed to melt away. I did catch Mr. Big Shot's eye once or twice while we switched poses, but thought nothing of it.

After class, Jeron invited us all to hang out in the living room and chat. He brought his mat and an ashtray and instructed us to sit in a circle.

"Wait, we’re gonna hang out... Naked?" I thought. I looked over at my handsome, quiet neighbor and he glanced at me too. The nerves immediately came rushing back in. I grabbed my mat and mumbled “I can't stay, I've got to go pick up my laundry.” Maybe I did, or maybe I didn't and I made it up. I don't remember. Either way I was too anxious to stay.

"Maybe next week," I thought to myself as I got dressed and left.

The following week I showed up ready for yoga, I still had a touch of anxiety. In order to shake off my nerves, I smoked a joint. After I finished, I grabbed my mat and made my way inside. I said hello to Jeron at the door and made my way to the changing area to undress. This time I found it easier to strip down. Perhaps I was starting to get accustomed to the undressing, either way I felt good going into this weeks practice.

I made my way to the living room and found my spot near the front. The rest of class was petering in when I saw that my handsome neighbor arrived too.

"I wonder if he will sit next to me again," I wondered to myself quietly.

I started doing some stretches on the floor when low and behold, Mr. Big Shot indeed sat next to me again. I said hi to him and he responded with a quiet hello right back. There wasn't much time to converse, though, as Jeron took his post in the front, dropped his shorts, and initiated class.

All my residual worries melted away as I kept my focus on perfecting my poses and getting a good workout. Every once in a while I would sneak a glance at Mr. Big Shot's butt. I am pretty sure I caught his glance once or twice as well. Eventually the class began winding down into our meditation, which meant class was ending soon. It also meant I would finally have an opportunity to chat with Mr. Big Shot.

After class broke, Jeron welcomed us into a circle to smoke some more and hang out as a group. Some people left but I had finally psyched myself up enough into joining the group this week. I took a spot in the circle, grabbed my half joint I had stowed from earlier, and sparked up. Mr. Big Shot took up a spot next to me and finally introduced himself.

"Hey, I'm Matt," he said.

"I'm Demi, nice to meet you," I responded.

We exchanged pleasantries as the group formed and conversation began to circle around us. Matt asked me what I did for work and I told him I was a server for my day job, but I am also a writer with a podcast. His eyes lit up.

"You have a podcast?! What's it about?" He asked curiously.

"Well, it's kind of silly, it's a comedy show about science and spirituality. My best friend hosts it with me."

"That sounds fun! I always listen to podcasts when I'm working. Mind if I check it out sometime?"

"Sure thing!" I obliged, as I told him the name and shared with him my Instagram handle. "What do you do for work?"

"Uh..." He said reluctantly. "I'm in entertainment."

"Oh, nice! What do you do?"

"I'm in movies..."

At this point I gauged that he wasn't at all comfortable talking about himself. I live in LA so it's pretty normal for people to respond with vague answers about their jobs. Figured I'd better not press. I dropped it and joined in the conversation happening with everyone else. After spending a bit more time in the circle, I decided that it was time to head home. I said my goodbyes, got dressed, and left. I sent him a follow request later that night.

The next few weeks flew by, it seemed. I slowly started getting to know Matt, as much as he'd let me, and he would come into class and recount the last episode of my podcast. It was nice that he was listening, and he seemed to really enjoy it, but he still hadn't returned my follow on Instagram. I figured he's probably not on social media a whole lot. I was also starting to get more comfortable with the group and started making friends with the rest of the class. I was feeling great.

After class one day, probably about a month of attending yoga, I took my normal spot in the circle and Matt sat next to me. This time he sat very close. When he sat down, he placed his leg behind me with his foot and ankle touching my lower back. He looked at me intently, almost as if to ask if it was okay if he sat that close to me, and I could feel a bit of flush coming over my face. Of course we were all naked still, so that only amplified the tension.

We sat there quietly and listened to everyone else's conversation, my attention was squarely set at the spot where his foot was touching me and I could hardly think of anything else. The conversation somehow turned to massages as Jeron mentioned he was planning on getting one next week. I perked up and joined in at this, saying that I had actually went to school for massage therapy. Matt looked at me excitedly.

"You give massages?" He asked.

I laughed. "Well, not professionally, I didn't finish. But yeah I do for friends on occasion."

"I could really use one." He said wryly.

"Well, how about you approve my follow request and we can set it up." I said half-jokingly.

"Oh yeah!" He said meekly. "I'll do that later and message you."

"Sounds like a plan."

Later that night I got a notification saying that my request had been approved, followed by a message asking when would I be free for the massage. He wanted to come over to my apartment, but I told him I have a roommate so my place would not be the greatest. He seemed reluctant to have me over to his, but he obliged, so we set it up for that Friday at his house around 7pm.

Friday arrived and after confirming our date that evening, I shit, showered, and douched and headed out to the address Matt gave me. I arrived a bit early so I decided to stop by a nearby liquor store and picked up a bottle of wine. I perused the shelves and picked out a fairly expensive-seeming bottle of pinot grigio to bring to his place. My mom always did tell me it was impolite to show up anywhere empty-handed. I also kind of wanted to impress him, I don't know why.

I arrived at his front gate, buzzed his number, then followed his instructions upstairs. When I reached his door, he let me in. My eyes fixed on all the personality in the apartment. He lived in a large West Hollywood loft, open-concept, modern, with a metallic overhang which I assumed housed the bedroom upstairs. It was full of color and art, kind of like my apartment, only much larger. Tchotchkes from various production companies lined a table on the inside of the doorway and art hung from the walls. In a large dining area housed a gigantic colorful mural. He really was a big shot.

He welcomed me in warmly and saw the wine I brought. "You didn't have to do that! You are supposed to be helping me," he said jokingly.

We chuckled and chit-chatted about our days while he opened the wine and poured us a couple of glasses. We made our way over to the couch and settled in in front of the tv. He put on the Rihanna fashion show. I had already seen it the day prior but I didn't mention that to him. We sat and enjoyed the wine I brought. I was on my second glass and started feeling a bit tipsy when he said something that made my stomach sink.

"I have a boyfriend," he said.

I could feel the life drain out of me instantly. We had been talking for almost two months and he is only now bringing this up? I guess I didn't ask previously, but the wine had started hitting me and I'm here at his house so we may as well just get it over with. I choked down my rage and finished off the bottle of wine.

"Well, shall I massage you then?" I asked.

The next hour was a blur. I gave him the massage and we ended up flip-fucking each other. All I could think about was what would happen if his boyfriend came in. He finished off and asked if I needed help, I said no. I just sat there jerking off looking at his naked body thinking about what a fool I had been. I knew I wouldn't be able to cum like this so I let out an "oowoahh!" and buried myself in the towel on the bed so he couldn't see I had just faked it.

I let out an "oowoahh!" and buried myself in the towel on the bed so he couldn't see I had just faked it.

I cleaned myself off and got dressed faster than I thought I ever could. The shame and anger was bubbling up inside of me and I couldn't keep it in much longer. I grabbed my things and ran out the door, barely saying bye to him. I walked to my car with tears rolling down my face. I felt so stupid having allowed myself to believe that I could possibly be worth someone who was that smart and successful. It felt like some cruel joke from the universe.

..........................

The following week I was at my doctor's office for a routine physical when I got a message from Matt.

"Are you going to yoga tonight?" He asked.

"I haven't decided yet," I told him, holding back another rage bubble that was coming up to the surface. "Are you?"

"No, I'm out of town until next week. Was just wondering if you were."

I was so confused, why did he care if I'm going or not if he wasn't even going to be there.

"You should definitely go," he pressured. "Enjoy yourself."

Unbeknownst to Matt, I gave a huge eye roll at this suggestion, but I said alright.

That night I showed up to yoga class, still unsure of why I was being pressured by Matt into going. I got settled into my usual spot and started warming up for class when I overheard Jeron welcoming in someone from outside.

"Wow it's been so long! I'm so happy to see you!" He exclaimed at the stranger. "Come in, let me introduce you."

Jeron and the new person came in. He was about 5'8" with the same build as me, dark-skinned and very handsome with a bright smile. He waved and looked around.

"Guys, this is Kyle," Jeron said as he introduced the newbie to us. "He's Matt's boyfriend."

All of a sudden it hit me. THIS was the reason why Matt wanted me to go. He wanted me to meet his boyfriend. What fucked up, twisted game was he playing?

Class went fine, I sat two spaces away from Kyle and kept looking at his butt. It was all I could do to keep my mind off the weirdness I was feeling in that moment. After class I walked up to Kyle and introduced myself to him. I wasn't mad at him after all. He was very kind and he didn't seem to know I had just slept with his boyfriend last week. I said my goodbyes to everyone and went home.

When I got home Matt texted me.

"Hey, how was yoga?" He asked.

"Fine." I replied.

"Anything interesting happen?"

I knew he was fishing for something, but I was absolutely not going to give it to him. This seemed to be a game to him and I was not willing to play.

"Nope. Everything was fine," I replied. I left it at that.

The next week Matt was back in class and Kyle wasn't. But instead of asking him what last week was all about, I decided to just be cold to him. I didn't say hi, I averted eye contact, and I sat across the room and not in our usual spot next to each other. So I channeled my hurt, confusion, and anger into my workout instead. I didn't stay after to hang out, either.

That weekend was Halloween weekend, so my roommate, Gary, and I decided to go out to West Hollywood to get some drinks. We went to our favorite margarita spot, Fiesta Cantina, and ordered a margarita each. I was a little confused by the $22 charge for my margarita but didn't dwell on it to much, until the bartender handed me what could only be described as the Big Gulp of margaritas. I had forgotten to specify a regular size and had accidentally ordered a giant size fish bowl margarita.

"Uh-oh, I'm in trouble," I said to Gary looking at the marg that was about the size of my head.

"Drink up girl!" He replied with a smile.

We had a blast, but I became very, very drunk from that one massive margarita. I'm not even sure how we got home that night, but we made it in one piece. Gary had immediately passed out in his room, which meant I was alone and drunk with my thoughts. I immediately started thinking about Matt and the shenanigans from the week prior and decided I had just enough liquor in me to confront him about it.

The text went like this:

"Happy Halloween. I’m drunk so I’m in a place where I don’t care what I say right now, take it how you will. Here I go.

I have been slightly standoffish because I don’t think i feel comfortable being pursued by someone who has a boyfriend. (Or partner? Those are two different things in my book) so I have felt a little uncomfortable since that day we hooked up, maybe even conflicted.

Secondly you went out of town and you messaged me asking me if I went to yoga. Obviously I did, but you messaged me before and after so obviously you knew he was there. Why didn’t you mention this? Either way that tells me that either you are playing a game or he is playing a game, or maybe you both are and I’m just not privy to the rules. But I don’t play games, I hate that shit.

Third, I did tell you that the last guy I was seeing had someone else and I dumped him because of it. I’m tired of the bullshit. I want something real. I don’t hook up to hook up anymore, and I have changed my mind

When it comes to open relationships. I’m not for them. I don’t feel comfortable with this period and have been trying to figure out a way to tell you that didn’t come off uncool but I’m just in a different place. I’m not cool with it and I think it’s disrespectful to your boyfriend. I don’t care how it is with you guys, I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes. He seems nice anyways and yea I did meet him. He’s also very handsome. You should take care of him because clearly you guys should be together and I don’t want the drama.

I also don’t know if I want to come to yoga [anymore] because I’m tired of being just some side bitch. I’m not cool with that because I deserve more. Idk maybe I had an idea of something before I realized what was going on and that’s my own fault but yeah. That’s my thing. Sorry if this makes no sense but I wanted to get it off my chest because it’s been weighing on me and I don’t want it to anymore. I don’t want a second hand hookup or to be a rebound. That’s not my bag at this point in my journey. Take it how you feel but I’m going to bed now. Have a good night and happy Halloween/full blue moon."

After sending it, I immediately felt a sigh of relief. I didn't wait for an answer and instead fell asleep. The next morning I woke up with the biggest hangover of my life and this reply:

"Demi - thank you for sharing how you feel.

I’m sorry if I made you feel any kind of way or if I was anything but transparent from the start.

If you are looking for a longer term thing, I totally respect that. The reality is, my boyfriend and I are very happy and our situation works for us.

But I also understand that not everyone is ok with playing like we do. I truly apologize if I hurt your feelings. It was 100% not my intention. We had a great time, but given where you are, I totally understand your wanting something substantial instead of something transient.

I was not pursuing you to be a side piece. I think you are interesting and talented and that made me curious to get to know you better.

But if it’s not your bag, it’s not your bag. I get it. Again, I’m truly sorry if I caused any pain/annoyance.

Best,

Matt"

So that was it. I had finally gotten it off my chest. Maybe it wasn't the best way I could have handled it, but hey, no one is perfect all the time. The response was pretty standard, perhaps a bit robotic, but at least it was truthful, finally. I stopped going to that yoga class after that as well. I don't think I could have looked at Matt in the face again for a while.

Honestly, it took me a while to work through the emotions of having gone through that experience. Even writing this story took me a long time because of the emotions that kept coming up. But I don't fault Matt, except for not being up front from the beginning. I have since forgiven him and have run into him and Kyle out and about. They are still together and they seem happy.

I still have no idea what he was trying to do with me meeting his boyfriend. My best guess is he was trying to facilitate a threesome. Funny thing is, I would have probably been open to that had I known what to expect going into it.

My best guess is he was trying to facilitate a threesome. Funny thing is, I would have probably been open to that had I known what to expect going into it.

I guess the moral of the story is, don't let your expectations get ahead of you, and if someone isn't being up front completely, that's probably a red flag. Lastly, never forget that you are worthy of love from someone who is smart, funny, handsome, successful, SINGLE, communicative, and is genuinely interested in you for you.

Oh, and don't keep things bottled in until you get drunk off of fish bowl margaritas. Emotions and tequila don't mix well.